The small clouds of smoke shatter before my face, The lights are dim and I barely see them disappear, Will I ever find ease? I feel trapped in own thoughts, There is a labyrinth of memories that torment and entertain me, There is no escape way, there is no end to the remorse What ifs invade my self-consolations, what if, I was free? I cry my frustration out, I lose the tension that imprisons my temple, Each cry has a name attached to it, as if they were conscient and alive, I suffer the unavoidable pain of reality, I think, I think too much of the past, letting my future melt I try to build the perfect world in my head, Don’t we all feel we play the main role in our lives’ movie? Handmade compensation she says, yes, but it is out of my hands, Sadness clings to my soul and I run in circles coming back to... You, oh melancholy of my days, I wish I loved you instead Sun rays pierce my darkness, my smoke clouds, The dim lights of the room seem so natural to me, I taste the blood in my mouth and the burning passion Consuming my self like time consumes our existence, The severe coldness of my thought releases in its fog my sourness El Concierto de Aranjuez plays for the second time, My tears run down my checks, I can’t stop them this time, I am not heartless, you see, I am here, I am present, I am happy even during this gloomy discourse, My cigarette is a witness, you, my beloved friend, are a reason She says “I hold you,” but I am in an endless fall, Gravity vanishes when I am imprisoned in hopelessness and hope, The universe within my head is healing, I am burning my open wounds with my ashes, Maybe is true that we cannot save who does not want to be saved, She holds my hand, but I let it go and fall in the infinite void of the abyss Dear, this is the cure to my emptiness, to my controversial being, We hug death by ourselves, we kiss the poison and swallow it, We, my dear, were never supposed to die, but now we Waste our breath fighting for a life that is destined to fade away, Handmade compensation she says, it is, indeed it is.
I wrote this poem at a very difficult time in my life. These lines reflect some of the things I felt, that I still feel… When the pandemic started my life changed completely. When I had to slow down my life’s rhythm, I realized that I really was not okay and that I had been like this for a long time. Sometimes with the affairs of our routines, even though we live within ourselves, we don’t pay enough attention to ourselves. Between classes, work, meetings and other things, I didn’t have time to talk to myself, to reflect, to enjoy my own company. When I saw myself at home, trapped, with a little more time to see myself in the mirror, I began to analyze and reflect on who I am, what I want, the state of my soul, among other things. When one becomes vulnerable by shredding the barriers that they have built for themselves and others, seeing the truth hurts. Still, it is important. This poem is significant because I wrote it at a time when I no longer had the strength to stay afloat and when I read it out loud I decided that I had to continue.
Hello there, I hope you are doing well. You matter. You are doing great. You will get through your battle. Please take care. Reach out! And enjoy life as much as possible. 🙂
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