Not an Expert, but I am here


Here’s the thing.

I’m not an expert in anything. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I’m decent at. I’m great at sleeping, being alone for long periods of time, drinking coffee and online shopping, amongst other useless things. But simultaneously, I work every single day to practice behaviors that negate my self-perceived uselessness. If I’m an expert at anything, it’s just showing up and doing my best for that day. It’s trying while having no expectations for what success looks like in that moment. It’s picking up the phone when a friend calls despite my phone anxiety. It’s showing up to a friend’s event even though I fear the inevitable conversations with strangers, all because I love that friend. It’s submitting an assignment on time. It’s being a listener when advice is not asked for, and honest when it is. It’s moving through the world with good intentions. And sometimes doing my best is doing nothing at all. I learned a long time ago that doing nothing is an action. When emotional, mental, physical and/or spiritual depletion takes hold, I have to show up for myself first because if my cup is empty, then I have nothing to offer those around me. To be an expert is a hard ask for me, but what I can be is accountable. Honest. Present. So I’m here and I’m showing up and I’m doing my best. Just for today.

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