I often ask myself what do I want in life. Instead of finding things I want to do I often find myself thinking of all the things I do not want to do and all the things I do not want to go through again. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to be betrayed. I don’t want to lose friends and families. I don’t want to feel depressed. I don’t want to be in pain.
Having a chronic illness has impacted my life in many ways. For one, I miss out on a lot of experiences. Things like going to school, work, or out with friends is impossible some days. It hurts to physically be in pain you can do little about on top of feeling so isolated and alone. My chronic illness impacts my mental health because I have asked myself, “What’s the purpose of doing anything meaningful when you may die prematurely anyways?” which I know it’s morbid to think such a way but it’s true.
All of the negative experiences I’ve endured caused me to feel uncertain, scared, and depressed when thinking of what the future holds. Having chronic illness really changes who you are as a person and the attitude you have towards life. Being isolated in my room or in hospital bed’s really took a tool on me mentally and physically. Eventually, I realized it’s easy to think of all the things you hate about yourself and life.
One day I came to a realization that feeling self pity does nothing for me. I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life. While I cannot control my pain and my illness I can still enjoy all life has to offer. I can go outside and feel the warmth of the sun, I can chase my dreams, I can make new friends and have new experiences, Changing my story, my attitudes and my thoughts can change my life. For the rest of my life I simply want to enjoy it and put my best foot forward everyday.
I want to get my education so I can be a forensic scientist which is my dream job. I want to travel the world with friends and eat different types of cuisines. I would like to take up new hobbies like painting, cooking, or gardening. I see myself practicing self care and being gentle with myself. I want to take care of my health as best as I can, practice positivity, and be grateful for the life I have while I have it.
I don’t have big dreams of being super rich or famous. For the rest of my life I want to go after my dreams and seek happiness and fun times and not dwell on the negatives. Life is a balance. If I am sad I know that I will be happy again and vice versa.
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Victoria I loved what you said about being gent with ourselves. How many times we must forget to be gentle with our bodies, minds, and hearts? Thank you for reminding me about it. At the same time, there is power and truth to your experience with chronic illness. These opportunities in which you share about your chronic illness, allow me and others to really understand what you and others are going through. I am grateful for your willingness to let us in. And though, we may not fully understand exactly what you are going through, I hope we can better support you at CPL. Especially with these wonderful dreams and desires. I am excited for the day you become a forensic scientist!