What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

That’s the question that I have dreaded answering all the way since way back in Middle School. I know that a lot of adults want a direct answer, something that’s inspiring and innovative… but the only answer I could come up with is: “I don’t know.” It’s not an acceptable answer, it never has been. Ever since you are in Pre-School you are asked what you want to be when you grow up and you are even then expected to answer, even if your answer isn’t taken seriously. From a young age, you are discouraged from certain answers, or certain jobs because they’re not ambitious enough or they don’t make enough money. Those thoughts stay with you as you grow up and try to find an acceptable answer. Eventually, you do but now that you’re older you get asked “how are you going to accomplish this?” and you are expected to give a step-by-step explanation and even then you’re given a follow-up question of “What if that doesn’t work.” Only then to be asked, “Why are you doing this?” “What are you going to do with this?”  Or to be told that it’s a waste of time or unrealistic. It’s exhausting. 

As someone who has struggled with my mental health, I honestly didn’t think I would live past 16, so at a certain age I stopped thinking about the future and took things one day at a time. I was told that “it’s ok” but time doesn’t wait. I’m a Senior now, and as I prepare to graduate, I find myself unsure of the future or what I want to do. I found myself in a routine of just worrying about now so much that later became now, like a true procrastinator. 

Now that I’m in a better place, it’s hard because I haven’t thought about it too much. I don’t have a set answer, all I have is an idea or vision, which some may even call a dream.

I’m in my apartment sitting by a window, I can see the city down below. I have a warm cup of tea and my laptop. My cat named Boots jumps on the windowsill and falls asleep. Everything is quiet and peaceful. There’s no noise, no fog, no doubt, no regret… just content. In this dream, I don’t know what I do for a living just that it makes me happy. Maybe I’m working on a novel or a poem. It’s never clear. Now that I’m free to, I can imagine so many different possibilities… how can I just choose one? 

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