Author: Tarrell McCall

25 to Life: A Character Monologue

Tarrell McCall

My name is Jeffrey, and I hope I don’t make it to 25. Bold, right? Yeah, I know. But I always told myself that at 25 years old that that was the year things would change for me. The year I get married and have kids. The year I would travel the world. But all of that doesn’t seem possible now. Why? Because I am a black man, and I am hurting. You know, not a lot of people have an idea what it’s like being a black male in today’s world. I can’t simply because it’d be pages long, but I’ll shorten it. You see, I am a monster to most people that never met me. I walk down a white neighborhood, and I get looks from whites like I’m a bad person or something, like I’m going to rob them or kill them or rape them or kidnap their children. They clutch their bags and tell their children to walk on the other side and away from me. The truth is that it hurts more than one could ever know. I tried everything to make them stop giving me looks like I’m not human, but nothing works – anime tees, hands by my sides – nothing. For this very fact, I wish to marry a light-skinned woman so my son can be light like them and not get those looks. And I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it is true – I’m a bum.

I’ve hurt people in my past that I can’t forgive myself for. I emotionally abused a girl I loved because I couldn’t control my anger and sadness. That was 7 years, by the way – just in case you wanted to know. But enough of that story.

I feel alone most days, especially now that I’m at some fancy college. Maybe it’s cause I’m much older than most of my classmates – I don’t know. Maybe it’s the pressure I feel from those around me to succeed. I mean, I’m not as smart as others, especially those who start out of high school, and I’m only good at math – so there’s that. I try talking to people, but most times, it fails. Maybe I’m too open, or maybe I’m just a bum… I can’t decide. But I don’t want to feel like a bother to others, so maybe that’s why.

I have let God down more times than I can count, and I know God forgives me for my sins, but I can’t forgive myself.

I wish I didn’t have this pressure on me. Here I stand at 24 years old and three freshly minted quarters, and 25 doesn’t seem all too appealing to me. It’s just another year knowing that I failed and that my blackness makes people uncomfortable and that I won’t find the love of my life and that I am a disappointment and that I’m letting others around me down and that I’m a bum – emphasis on the bum part. But hey, at least I got career aspirations, right?

I want to live, trust me, but I just wish time would stop and allow me to experience life just this once and not be a bum while doing it – emphasis on the bum part.

Coming Soon

Tarrell McCall

January is coming soon and I have a number of screenplays coming up. I wanted to post something for this month of December to give a preview of what is to come and the type of characters I will be introducing.

Below are some of the ideas and screenplays I have in my vault.

“Don’t Pay Them No Mind” – Main Character Luciana “CeCe” Colon, a young Puerto Rican girl with Schizophrenia.

“The Renaissance Man” – Main Character Franco, an Italian man dealing with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Based on, “I Am” poem by John Clare.

“I Surrender” – Main Character Sheyla. Story about loss and finding hope.

“Untitled” – Main Character Khalil, a man with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I hope to post two screenplays for the month of January. *Titles are subject to change

Unfortunate

Tarrell McCall

I am underappreciated and never realized. I am young, black, uneducated with a limited vocabulary. I don’t know any big words and have trouble understanding a lot more than I let on, and it’s unfortunate. I would tell you that being black and going to school in a not so good neighborhood is the cause, but truth be told, I went to private catholic schools my whole life. I probably shouldn’t use that as an example, but I will. I was failed by a system that only cared about money and did not give students a good education and an excellent foundation to build off to further themselves. I dropped out of high school because I knew I wasn’t getting the education I deserved, and the same can be said of middle school; I was failed.

Education became my enemy, and I was afraid to face it. When I decided to face higher education, I knew I was ill-prepared for what I was about to face. I had dreamt of being on a big campus with big trees and grass as far as the eyes could see, but all I got was four buildings spanning across four blocks and a halal food truck. What I finally got was an education from an institution that cared about me and my well-being. 

Making Education More Equitable event spoke to me because it had one fundamental message: Students are underappreciated. Students are treated as customers and experiments instead of humans with something to give to society. Community Colleges are underfunded, and students are left to suffer from a greedy system. It is not fair that an institution that helped me have a voice that can be undervalued by society.

By working with students, my job is to educate them that they are indeed at a disadvantage compared to other students from other backgrounds. They must know where they stand within a systems mindset. They have to take control of their education and use the institutions the way they use them, and it’s unfortunate.

The truth is, I don’t care because my money goes to a system that doesn’t care for me, and either should other students care. We are the guinea pigs in a system that leave us malnourished – Quite Unfortunate.